stuck in between

I felt like i had a home. a country and a city and a street. a culture. everything you feel is the connection  to where you are from. to the place you are born and the place you think you will die.

i had all this. i was that person. the person who lived her life in the same city for 32 years. the person who thought nothing would ever change.

she was wrong.

without going in details, i now live in turkey. in a city called alanya.

its a dirty city where almost everyone makes a living from cheating and stealing from each others.

a city full of lie and happy tourists. unknowing of the shit going on behind their back.

when you live here for a while, you learn the real life here.

its hard to adapt. its hard to find your self without roots and without any …. anything really.

i used to like my own people. i used to like all scandinavians. i didnt have any dislike or any bad thoughts towards them.

i used to like turkish people. they were after all a happy and nice people. making my holiday so great.

i used to not know the difference between turkish and kurdish.. and even little did i care they were not the same.

i used to not care about peoples religion. as long as they were nice to me i really did not care who they thought of as their god.

well. this all changed.

after 3 years in turkey i have seen so many things.

i have seen my own people. how they look down on the people living here. how they get drunk and scream and act like idiots in the restaurants. how the girls will go home with anyone who offers. how the boys thinks they are the world champion of  anything but stupidity after an unknown number of beers.i have felt their racism on my body when they see me at my work and they dont know i can understand their every word. my own people have made me feel ashamed more times than i have felt proud.

and the turkish people. i cant say anything about the turkish people living in cities outside of my area. but i can say alanya will destroy most of the innocent people coming here .

this is a city of sex, alcohol and lies.

being a woman here is not easy at all. one day i will take a camera and walk with it all day. then i can show you how it feels.

walking on the streets makes me feel like a piece of meat. and im not even pretty ! imagine how it is for a girl who actually looks nice!

they stare at you. wave at you. yell things you really dont want to hear.

wearing a hijab is actually the pest way of escaping some of this.

so ive leared to disike the turks as well.

the differene between turks and kurds is something i will not get into at this point . for now i will just write about them all as turkish. as it is easier to do so at this point.

when it comes to religion … maybe we should leave that for another night also, us its alot bigger than what i want to start with now.

the point is … i lost where i used to belong and i didnt find a new place, im just stuck in between.